hot mess

My thoughts are kind of a mess right now. I'm mostly doing this just because I haven't done it in so long but i don't really have anything useful to say. Just bitching and moaning and wallowing in self pity is all I do these days mostly. If you hate hearing or reading about sad shit then you should probably pull your facebook tab back up because this is gonna bore you to death. But, fuck man, it could just be me but more often than not this world just seems so fucking sad, or maybe its just that my world seems so fucking sad. The world through my eyes is often times a hopeless place.

I know i have alot to be thankful for, amazing family and friends, good health and all that blah blah blah but something is missing, and i mean like literally missing. I feel incomplete alot. Thats the best way to describe it. I feel like I try to fill this void with love. I'm not lacking any love from my family or my close friends. They love me and I know it and its reciprocated but I feel as though I look for the feeling of true, stripped down, unconditional, selfless and selfish love. It doesn't necessarily have to be romantic but just figuring out what love is. Why there seems to be a lack of it in me and the world. Why the fuck are there so many different "types" of love? Is it something that can truly change things for the better? Is the emotion enough to change lives or the world? Is it enough?

The last serious relationship i had was a tumultuous one but very intense nonetheless. I fell in love with this girl. I'm sure I was in love, I still love her to this day despite it all, but even though things between us are still up in the air, the relationship has caused me to question if love is enough. Is love enough to make a relationship last? Is it enough to rid the world of all its problems? In turn that causes me to wonder if I'll ever feel happy or complete. These questions send me spiraling into this deep depression. I hate having my happiness being dictated by others. I just wish I could be happy on my own. Be happy with who I am and my position in life. But, for some reason I have this incomplete feeling. I dont know if the answer to my solution is in another person, my self, zoloft, or the metaphysical idea of love? What I do know is that I want an answer. I want to figure it out. I want to know why I'm so obsessed with the idea of love. Fuck I could ramble on that subject all day. I don't want to have to write anymore terribly written blogs about it though. As I think about it its kind of funny that love makes me so sad. Jesus Christ I need to look at the upsides. I pity anyone who reads this. Maybe my next entry will be a little more focused and well written. Sorry I'm not sorry.