hot mess

My thoughts are kind of a mess right now. I'm mostly doing this just because I haven't done it in so long but i don't really have anything useful to say. Just bitching and moaning and wallowing in self pity is all I do these days mostly. If you hate hearing or reading about sad shit then you should probably pull your facebook tab back up because this is gonna bore you to death. But, fuck man, it could just be me but more often than not this world just seems so fucking sad, or maybe its just that my world seems so fucking sad. The world through my eyes is often times a hopeless place.

I know i have alot to be thankful for, amazing family and friends, good health and all that blah blah blah but something is missing, and i mean like literally missing. I feel incomplete alot. Thats the best way to describe it. I feel like I try to fill this void with love. I'm not lacking any love from my family or my close friends. They love me and I know it and its reciprocated but I feel as though I look for the feeling of true, stripped down, unconditional, selfless and selfish love. It doesn't necessarily have to be romantic but just figuring out what love is. Why there seems to be a lack of it in me and the world. Why the fuck are there so many different "types" of love? Is it something that can truly change things for the better? Is the emotion enough to change lives or the world? Is it enough?

The last serious relationship i had was a tumultuous one but very intense nonetheless. I fell in love with this girl. I'm sure I was in love, I still love her to this day despite it all, but even though things between us are still up in the air, the relationship has caused me to question if love is enough. Is love enough to make a relationship last? Is it enough to rid the world of all its problems? In turn that causes me to wonder if I'll ever feel happy or complete. These questions send me spiraling into this deep depression. I hate having my happiness being dictated by others. I just wish I could be happy on my own. Be happy with who I am and my position in life. But, for some reason I have this incomplete feeling. I dont know if the answer to my solution is in another person, my self, zoloft, or the metaphysical idea of love? What I do know is that I want an answer. I want to figure it out. I want to know why I'm so obsessed with the idea of love. Fuck I could ramble on that subject all day. I don't want to have to write anymore terribly written blogs about it though. As I think about it its kind of funny that love makes me so sad. Jesus Christ I need to look at the upsides. I pity anyone who reads this. Maybe my next entry will be a little more focused and well written. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Social Suicide

I'm deleting my facebook so for those who care what I'm up too, how I'm doing, what I'm pondering, this blog will be a means of finding the answer to all of those questions. Maybe someone will read it and keep up with it from time to time. Maybe not. Regardless I'll try not to slack off on this. I promise to write some entertaining and maybe thought provoking shit. If not to entertain anyone else but my self. I'll keep this one short and sweet because at the moment I don't have much to say. I'm working on a much bigger entry but its taking me a bit to finish it so keep on the look out.

stay thirsty my friends

Cosmic Injustice

So this evening me and my mom were talking, about what I can't really remember. I think it was politics or something, or maybe the book I'm reading about evil, regardless she made the statement that The Lord God is the gold standard of everything that is good, to which I replied "that's debatable". Even as I made that statement I admittedly was kind of shocked at my self but not nearly as caught off guard as her. The point of this blog entry is not to prove or disprove God, or Christianity or anything like that, I'm not taking a stab at faith but I do have some questions and concerns I would like to voice and if anyone reads this be free to weigh in because I'm always open to a healthy debate.

I used to be a dude of faith, and I say "used" just because I'm not exactly sure where it is I stand right now. I tend to believe(I think) that there is a higher power out there that created this mess but I am now starting to wonder just how much the faiths of the world have to do with this omnipresent being. I've read the bible, I know most of the stories and I know alot but, not all of what it says on many various different subjects but after reading it and seeing what goes on in the world today some things are just not adding up or something just seems off and I cannot put my finger on it, all I can do is list my grievances. If there is a God and if it's the same "just" God that the bible speaks of, how do we explain the Holocaust, and the genocide in Rwanda, how do we explain war and other violent crimes that are perpetrated on a daily basis? I know some minister somewhere probably has some text book answer he was taught in Sunday school or his Bible College but odds are that answer won't hold water in the world today. I'm reading a book now about the "problem of evil" and as I read it I'm trying to have no faith based bias or anything but, simply read the book objectively. The book truly confounds me because the evil that runs rampant in this world is as complex as any human emotion. The intricacy of evil and how its so interwoven into the fabric of human beings is extraordinary and it causes me to wonder; If there is a God why would he instill in us the capacity to inflict such horrors on each other? or is there no god and this problem of evil is something purely man made that has been with us and taken its course like any other thing in nature?

Lets just assume for a second that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is real. Not only is he real the bible had it right. Now out of the countless number of people who have walked the earth and died and the countless number who have been born and currently living on this planet were to die or get caught up in the rapture a very very very small percentage of them would actually be permitted to Heaven. There are just way to many people on the planet that believe something different from the bible and even those who supposedly practice Christianity will undoubtedly go to Hell because they are some of the most hateful people on the planet. So if the world worked the way the bible says it does and this small percentage of people get into Heaven while the vast majority is sentenced to Hell, this to me is the greatest cosmic injustice. To create such complex beings and then have them all perish seems to be a giant waste of time but I guess when your God all you got is time. Regardless it can't be right to send most everyone to Hell. Some piece of this puzzle is missing and I'm not sure the answer is in the bible. But, lets carry on and say you were one of the lucky few that got into Heaven but your mom, or dad or wife or husband didn't make the cut, is that truly Heaven then? If Heaven is really perfect should each person not have what it is they love most there? Death separates us from those we love and we offer each other comfort and solace by saying "their in a better place" or "you will see them again in time", but what if we don't? what if were just pawns in this God's game? The struggle of life that we face on a daily basis could end up amounting to nothing with absolutely no reward in the end of any kind. No peace in death aside from just not existing anymore, which is also a miserable thought to dwell on.

I guess one could take a humanistic approach to all this and blame all the cruelty in the world on humanity because any self respecting humanist will tell you that with out a God to scapegoat our problems on we can only take responsibility for our own actions. If this is the case were doing a piss poor job of that. God or no God we fuck each other over everyday and if at the end of the day we can't even pray to something or take refuge under an ideal or belief that brings us comfort things can often times seem terribly hopeless.

I guess in my personal struggle to find some sort of truth I am starting to find it hard to believe that God could be the gold standard for moral fortitude. I could be wrong, his ways as the bible says could truly just be beyond me and my tiny human brain just can't comprehend the things I see in the world. My own mind that this creator gave me is filled with these questions and doubts and inquiry's. How could he possibly be mad at me for questioning these things and being curious if nothing else as to what the unknown holds? At the end of the day I am still inclined to believe that there is a God or being that created all this but I guess now I'm just questioning his motives. I'll never find the answers until I'm dead but so long as I'm alive the search for answers will go on and the questions will continue to flow until I have some piece of mind. If said God is up there watching me type this blog, I would just like to tell him that a little clarity on things would be nice.

"The future is a ghost in the rain"

So if there is one thing I have come to realize that I hate it is uncertainty. Given that I hate uncertainty it should go without saying that the future freaks me out(hello motion city yo?). I know that some would argue that life should be all about "living in the moment" and taking things a day at a time but I can't help but let my mind wander years and years down the road. Its probably my anxiety that causes me to worry so bad about the future. I'm in a huge transitional phase of my life right now so I tend to be terrified at the thought of change, not because change it's self is bad but because I fear things will not work out in a ideal manner.

Change can be a good thing, stagnancy can make life stale and I know first hand that that is a miserable way to be. So though i acknowledge the value of change and variety in life it all comes back to the uncertainty. The uncertainty that goes hand in hand with change is what keeps me up nights. I am still in limbo looking for a job, still pondering where I want to go back to school, and trying to maintain my relationship and relationships with others. I want so badly to know that all these things will fall into place and that it will be as it should be. However as far off as it seems getting a job and going back to school are just short term goals at the moment. I even worry about stuff further off but given that it's further off the picture I paint in my head is a little more fuzzy. I worry about having a good career, what will happen with my band?, will I still be playing music or be able to play music?, will I be able to support a family let alone my self? I know at the ripe age of 21 these things seem impractical to sweat right now but the fact is that I do as silly as it may be.

If it were possible to see the future I think I would want to see how everything pans out for me. Even if I were to find out I die some cruel and unusual death at least I would savor the days leading up to it. I just want to know things are going to be o.k. I'm not sure if I believe that everything happens for a reason, I don't know if that's something I'm willing to accept right now, but I do believe that whatever happens is supposed to happen and we are always right where were supposed to be at the end of the day because it's our choices made out of our own free will that put us there. Even if the choices we make are bad or stupid, once they are made we undoubtedly end up where we are meant to be. I can only hope then I guess that the choices I make help me secure a brighter future for my self than I often times think I'm going to get. I'll keep the PMA as much as I can and just try to chill the fuck out. Honestly as much as I worry I always have a gut feeling that I will be o.k. in the end.

Anxiety

I have always suffered from anxiety but it has always come in waves. About two years ago, I remember it was the summer, I had bouts of extreme anxiety. I went to therapy for it for a little bit and my therapist tried to teach me some meditation techniques but I don't really think they worked because of my ADD. So I find my self here now again struggling with this stupid shit. At nights I'm on the verge of borderline panic attacks at times. I fear the worst for every situation for no good reason. I think what upsets me the most isn't the headaches, or the upset stomach the anxiety causes, but the fact that I know whatever it is that I am worrying about is completely irrational. I know most of my worries are irrational deep down but the problem with anxiety is that they become seemingly real legitimate things to worry about as if anything could happen.

I don't know why it comes in waves like this but when it rains it pours in my head. I'm trying incredibly hard not to let it ruin my current relationship but I seem to try so hard I trip over my own two feet which only breeds more worry and fear. There are nights when I lay my head down and my brain is literally going 100 miles an hour, my heart is pounding, the stress from the thinking and worrying causes all my muscles to tense up and gives me the gnarliest headache, and to top it off my stomach feels like it is in knots. Often times I wake up with the same sinking feeling the next morning.

I'm so sick of this perpetual fear and worry. Its can not be attributed to anyone person or thing in my life, its no ones fault that I feel this way because like I said before most of the time this anxiety stems from irrational fears and worries. Usually my only cure to this is to get reassurance that whatever it is I am worried about won't happen. That tends to satiate me for awhile. I know I'm not the only one with anxiety but I wonder if there is anybody I know who gets hit with it at the level that I do right now? I'm trying terribly, terribly hard not to let it ruin everything but it's an up hill battle. But whatever, fuck it, I won't let it ever get a hold of me fully because that would not end well at all. I'll win or keep it at bay somehow because I care way to much about somethings in my life to let my own paranoid brain ruin everything.

Cant Live In Yesterday

I feel like today too many people dwell on their past and it holds them down like an anchor. The past is terribly important and can often be detrimental to ones future. Just for clarification the word "past" can be in reference to events that happened years ago, days ago or minutes ago. Many have made mistakes and have stock piled regrets, some more so than others but I'm sure no one is with out some sort of regret no matter how big or small. Regrets suck but they are there for a reason I feel like. I believe it is imperative to learn from ones mistakes and move on. There is no reason to carry ones regrets and mistakes with them all throughout life. Life is hard enough as it is and to carry an unnecessary burden only makes things worse.

Life is about forward movement, progression, stagnancy is no good and only allows us to dwell in the past. Though I fall into stagnant moods that lead to depression I mostly try to live my life in such a way that I do not let the ghosts of the past have any bearing on what I do today and in the future. Sometimes I repeat my same mistakes other times I learn from them. Regardless I know that I have control over today and I won't let my past interfere with that. When terrible things happen or you fuck up it is important to acknowledge your fuck up and apologize if necessary and move on. "Moving on" seems to be the operative words, this whole blog is nothing if I or anyone else who reads it or is effected by it does not put those words into action. It's hard to do it all the time but I swear nothing is more important that trying.

Life can eat you alive if you let it but it can also be an awesome thing. No one will ever be perfect, not every day will go exactly how you want it, You will never be without fault all the time. But you have to take life's imperfections with a grain of salt. At the risk of sounding too cliche, Set Your Goals had it right when they said that "life is about doing the process and not the result" because ultimately that is what it's about, life is a process, one in which you need to make progress. I guess all in all I wish more people would quit letting the past hold them back and destroy relationships that they hold dear. Its stupid to harbor regret and resentment for ones self because of things they did in the past. Please dont let the past effect today. Keep the PMA

P.S. Brets on the couch beside me and wanted me to include him in the blog like a BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!

Up The Punx

So I could ramble for awhile about all the flaws of our current local music scene but thats not what this blog is about. What I want to know is why is there not more Punk bands in North Carolina? NC it seems is filled to the brim with bland metalcore, beatdown, hardcore, and pop punk acts but where the fuck are the Punks at? I feel like this could be that I dont roll in many punk circles, I'm sure there are some smaller local actual punk bands around but I want to see them on some shows. I want circle pits. I want Punk to get the recognition it deserves because I feel like alot of these local bands today don't even acknowledge that hardcore(even their warped definition of hardcore) comes from Punk rock. Hardcore is sped up more aggressive form of punk rock. Though today many would classify hardcore as the dumbed down beatdown music that moves units and kids today, it would seem to me that that sort of music has very little to do with Punk. As I think about it I believe Punk is the parent of hardcore but hardcore has grown up and is now standing on its own two feet and is making a life of its own and living it for it's self. Though hardcore is borderline a separate entity from Punk now no one can deny hardcore's Punk up bringing which is why many still today refer to hardcore today as "Hardcore Punk".

The over arching point to this is not to be elitist and bash beatdown and metal bands. This is not a battle cry for death to false hardcore, I'm simply hoping people will acknowledge the roots of it all. Read a fucking book about hardcore's history. I know minor threat and gorilla biscuits is not for everyone but give credit where credit is due. Support local and touring punk bands, give the music an honest listen and if you dig it awesome and if not try to take it for what it is. Bands like Hour of the Wolf, The Unseen, The Casualties, Lifetime, and of course The Misfits(yes i actually listen to them and dont just wear the shirt for the fuck of it) are but a few Punk bands who are worth your while to check out. So weather your like me and shop at the gap or your a hot topic employee with a studded vest and foot tall mohawk please Up The Punx.